2021, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Processing

Wandering in Darkness

Tonight at our Celebrate Recovery meeting the speaker read a devotional in which the author was discussing being stuck in the dark void. The dark void, a place we’ve been wandering in for months now.

In the piece the author mentioned people coming into the void to be with him/her. In that moment I thought of one of our very best friends. She has literally crawled into the dark void with us and hasn’t left us alone there. She checks on us daily and even when we don’t want to talk she makes sure we are not alone.

Home hasn’t been a supportive place for us over these last few months. We are very much living the consequences of years of questionable choices and misguided priorities. Things we have processed over and over again in therapy, yet some at home are just starting that process and they are hurting. Hurting because of our actions.

It’s in those moments, when we feel like we don’t deserve love or care, when our family can barely look at us let alone talk to us, that our closest friends hold space for us. They know our failures, our mistakes, our flaws. They know the situations which have led us to the moments we are living, and yet they refuse to allow us to get lost in the dark. As we hunker down in the comfort of darkness, they show up with flashlights and show us that we aren’t disposable. They show us the same grace that Jesus showed us. They remind us of His love, even when it hurts to think about it.

Anxiety is out of control. It’s raging in that darkness like a blizzard. It’s growling and snarling. It’s freezing and yet burning. The darkness feeds it but the dark is comfortable. Being ignored and invisible gives it validation. Being worthless and the cause of so much pain to others gives it purpose. The anxiety almost functions as self harm, as punishment, as justified.

There is light though. The flashlights are shining in the form of close friends, a solid mentor, our doctors, and Jesus. There’s a therapy consult coming up, another med check with a specialist, a potential new job, a God who never lets go.

And that friend who sits with us in the dark, reminding us that while the dark is comfortable, the light brings a new life.

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