2018, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Maddie

Proud, Finally.


It’s been a long time since we, any of us, could say that there was any reason to keep going in life. Just as short as three years ago we knew we were only alive to keep the kids safe. We had no purpose at all, and no reason to exist beyond the kids.

While to some extent that’s still true, our purpose now goes far beyond just keeping the treasures alive. Growing in our faith, growing with God, we are understanding that His purpose for us is far more than just the kids. The kids were absolutely part of our purpose, there’s no denying that fact. They are amazing kids who will one day do incredible things. They have purposes of their own.

Our purpose is not going to be found dwelling on our inequities. It’s not going to be found living in the shadows of our past and in the judgments of others. Our purpose is coming from God. We will follow His path for us and do the work He wants from us. It’s not something we can do alone, but with Him, we will be successful.

Honestly, I didn’t expect us to find any real relationship with God. I was skeptical and thought it was simply a case of us trying to fit in somewhere, again. (Notice the again? We have a habit of trying to modify ourselves and each other in order to fit in.) However, it’s been about five months and our relationship with God is getting stronger. Our praying is more consistent, and almost always mostly done when we are alone.  It’s not something we do for show or in a way that could gain us any friends. It’s simply what speaks to our soul.

Having only a few of us active now helps too. The inside chaos has quieted. The words I want to write come more easily and more clearly. The desire to write never left, but it’s only now that it can be acted on. There’s so much less inside drama that we can finally think now.

I’m proud of us. All of us. Of the ones who are currently inactive, of those of us who are active. I’m proud of how we are growing, becoming, and learning. I’m proud of how we are gauging our emotional reactions, praying before reacting, and devoting time to finding out who Emma is.

I’m proud of who we are becoming.

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