2018, Alayna, DID, dissociative identity disorder

Crawling to the Ceasefire

art artistic black and white blank
Photo by Lynnelle Richardson on Pexels.com

 

Crawling
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling
I can’t seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I’m convinced
That there’s just too much pressure to take)
I’ve felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It’s haunting how I can’t seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I’m convinced

That there’s just too much pressure to take)

I’ve felt this way before
So insecure
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing, confusing what is real
There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming (confusing what is real)
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling (confusing what is real)
Songwriters: Brad Delson / Chester Charles Bennington / Joseph Hahn / Mike Shinoda / Robert G. Bourdon
Crawling lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management
Driving home from our fitness classes yesterday I was scrolling through radio stations and I heard this song. I stopped to listen to it because it used to be a song I identified with strongly. It was a song that I (Layna) used to use as my personal theme song, a mantra of sorts.
The best way I can think to describe the hold this song had on me was that I could use it to justify not moving forward.  There was a song about how I felt deep down to my core, why should I have to try to move forward?  The last line says it all “This lack of self-control I fear is never ending.”  Or the line “These wounds they will not heal.” I used this song as permission to not heal.
The pull these types of songs had on me made me feel perpetually angry and mean. I hated myself, I hated people who liked me, I hated God, and I hated life. It became so bad that Dad refused to allow me to listen to these types of songs anymore. Mom flooded us with K-Love because she felt better with the positive songs.
Fast-forward a few years and I happen to find myself hearing this song. Again the song and the lyrics became stuck in my head. This time though, I could relate in a different manner. The lyric that stands out the most now is “Fear is how I fall, confusing what is real.” It’s a reminder that fear will hold us back. Fear is what confuses us and makes muddy the thought processes to healing and hope.
The wounds that would not heal are starting to heal. I have a part in this. I have to heal in order for us all to heal. I, personally, have to let the light hit our dark places. I no longer serve to protect our darkness. I have to serve balance now. I have to learn it and apply it and protect our system by helping us all learn to balance it all.
We will now call for a Ceasefire. We will fight for a better end.

for KING & COUNTRY Lyrics

“Ceasefire”

How do we save a life
Pointing fingers?
How can we end the fight
This way?
When blame is the truth we’re preaching?
And lies are what we’re believing?
No one ever wins
When the goal is to settle the scoreOne by one we will call for a ceasefire
One by one we will fight for a better end
One by one we could rewrite the headlines
Standing side by side
One by one, love is building an empire
One by one, reaching out to our enemies
One by one we will make it to the finish line
Standing side by side
Ceasefire

I will be the first to say
I’m far from perfect
But grace was made for those who don’t
Deserve it
So easy to cast the first stone
It’s harder to search your own soul
No one ever wins
When the goal is to settle the score

One by one we will call for a ceasefire
One by one we will fight for a better end
One by one we could rewrite the headlines
Standing side by side
One by one, love is building an empire
One by one, reaching out to our enemies
One by one we will make it to the finish line
Standing side by side
Ceasefire

Teach us how to live humbly
Love unconditionally
Transform our hurt into hope
And grant us Your peace
Teach us how to live humbly
Love unconditionally
Transform our hurt into hope
And grant us Your peace

One by one we will call for a ceasefire
One by one we will fight for a better end
One by one we could rewrite the headlines
Standing side by side
One by one, love is building an empire
One by one, reaching out to our enemies
One by one we will make it to the finish line
We’re standing side by side

Ceasefire …

This song is now my own person new theme song. We will make it to the finish line. We will live up to and on the path that God has planned for us. We will let Him transform our hurt into hope and we will work hard to build the empire through love.
Ceasefire…

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