This is a hard post to write, yet it’s probably our most important post to date. In many ways, it’s the new beginning. Again. I know, you’ve all heard this new beginning thing before.
None of that was lies. In their own way every time we’ve claimed a new beginning, it’s been a new beginning. This one just happens to be a big new beginning.
I had intended to write this while I drank my coffee, only I drank my coffee while browsing some other blogs, trying to build the motivation to write this. The coffee is gone and yet the words haven’t all found their way to my fingertips. So I will begin with the words I do have.
Being a part of a system of 65+ is too much. It’s too much for me, for them, for each other. Many don’t even know each other. There are cliques but no unity. It went from a sisterhood to an aloof neighborhood. A neighborhood that could barely agree on anything. Only certain groups could handle fronting together. When someone outside of the group currently fronting tried to get in there to the front, they were left feeling distant and uncomfortable both on the inside and the outside.
That isn’t okay. It’s not okay at all. The pain it causes is not okay. We are left with a perpetual struggle, compounded by the chaos whoever is in front has to wade through while trying to pay attention to the world around us.
Yesterday we made the incredibly hard decision to put the vast majority of the system to sleep. And by vast, I mean that we went from 65 + to 19, and yet that 19 doesn’t count as a full 19 because many are sets that can’t be separated and do not function on their own. So to be entirely technical we went from 65+ to 13. That’s drops us to 20% of the original (thanks Google for the math help!). There’s a sadness, and a sense of guilt running through a lot of us, but no matter how we work it, we can’t figure out a better way.
In some capacity, the words of the “Christian therapist” we talked to months ago are starting to make sense. Not that God wouldn’t want us like this, I still call bullshit on that one, but that we don’t deserve to live in a constant struggle. We deserve to have a life, a future, and some peace. God wants that for us.
We haven’t committed to anything except a drastic reduction of numbers. For now, we are working on becoming Emma. Defining who she is and what pieces we bring to the whole. We are working on becoming healthy, both inside and out. We are working on reducing the stress and chaos and creating the future we deserve.