There’s always so much to write about. Some of it we are nervous about sharing, but sharing happens so healing can happen. This post may cause some issues for some people so please keep that in mind when reading.
We changed our minds. We decided to change how we view our past. Our life. The things that were done to us, the things we did to ourselves, each other, and other people.
Our life, from almost the beginning, was marred and tarnished by sexual abuse. Our family didn’t notice and when we eventually came out with at around age 14 we were met with disbelief. We told our youth group leader at church and a friend’s mother and nothing was done. We told our bio mom at one point and she wasn’t in a place where she could believe us. It wasn’t until we told a camp counselor that someone stepped in. Even then, the police said there wasn’t enough evidence and our story wasn’t consistent. The abuse stopped but the damage done by a broken system and years of sexual abuse was already done.
It was next to impossible for us to believe that the God we worshipped in the same church our childhood abuser was a deacon and sang in the choir was at all interested in helping us. We believed, with the help of several misguided people, that God’s grace wasn’t for us.
We went on to be highly promiscuous, with the help of people who took advantage of our fragile state. Our body was used to justify a woman’s cheating on her husband. We allowed our body to be hurt and to be used sexually. We married a man who enjoyed hurting our body and we were convinced that we enjoyed it too. We participated in activities that now make our skin crawl. We allowed our body and ourselves to be treated worse than most people treat their family dog and we called it love.
Our body bears the permanent marks of our choices. Our mind bears the fractures of lack of nurturing and outright abuse. And we called it all love.
We’ve changed our minds. These things don’t come from love. They come from poor choices. Our poor choices and the poor choices of others. These things can no longer hold us back. God does love us. His grace is for us too. We will use these events to help others understand that life can get better no matter what your past looks like. You can learn to choose your own food choices. You can learn to find healing. You are not subpar and neither are we.