2018, Alayna, cadie, DID, dissociative identity disorder

If You Can’t Beat Them….

If You Can't Beat Them....


The shadows have been a consistent problem for the last couple of years. They cause chaos, they get quiet. The reject members of their colony and then get mad at us for taking them in. They cause choking while trying to swallow things. They feed negative and painful thoughts to the majority of us. They play old and hurtful memories on a movie screen inside. They are not kind.

Before we left Colorado and our amazing therapist we were working on how to handle those events. They aren’t intentionally cruel, they are trying to protect us in very maladaptive ways. B, our therapist in Colorado, said that it was like bursts. The longer we fought them the longer it would go on. To make it stop we needed to not react to the negative and yet thank them for trying to help.

It makes sense, but it sucks. Not gonna lie there. It almost feels like rewarding and thanking them for bad behavior and hurtful behavior even. It’s dancing the dance. The dance that always seems to have us* captivated and mesmerized. The dance that catches our souls and just grabs on. We are compelled to dance the dance because not dancing means chaos reigns.

Not sure if that’s the right way to deal with them or not. It’s a catch 22 in a lot of ways. Not sure we have a choice. We will continue the dance.


  • us/we/our from this point on refers only to Layna and Cadie as we’re the ones writing this.

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