2018, Annie, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Rachel, Uncategorized

Letting Go of the Past

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I just spent the last couple of hours going through our old email address. It’s one of the few things left that tie us to our birth name and our past. For some reason, we’ve hung on to this email address as if letting it go would unravel us. We’ve held on tight to emails that have long outlived their usefulness. We’ve made all kinds of excuses as to why we needed it.

Guess what?

We don’t need it. It’s been a cement block tied to our ankle. We’ve been able to move forward but that email address keeps returning us to the past, making us feel like we have to hide behind it in certain situations. It became a wall to hide behind so that we could keep our current email address -safe- or even untainted by the things we didn’t want to deal with from our past. Those things were always sent that way. Easier to put out of mind. Easier to use the we-can-deal-with-that-later mindset.

Hiding from things and stashing things away in our old email address doesn’t look like progress. It almost feels like enabling ourselves to live that almost creepy double life. Some stuff is for Sarah to deal with, the rest is for us? I understand that there are many of us, but none of us respond to that name. That is our dead name, and hopefully, we will have the legal steps done soon to change it. It’s in process.

That being said, things still need to be handled. We don’t have to hide behind that wall. We can put aside the enabling behavior and commit to one or the other. We’re not in danger anymore. The only person we were ever in physical danger from has left this world.

Today I changed our email address in most places to reflect our current one. And without fanfare or tears, I hit the delete account button. There’s nothing in our way now. Our past is behind us. We have learned from it and continue to grow. We are committed to our name and our life as it is, not as it was. And we don’t need the old email address to validate our past.

Clicking delete account was like letting go of one of the few remaining cement blocks around our ankle. We can move more freely now. It’s past time to walk away.

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