2018, Alayna, DID, dissociative identity disorder, fear, Rachel

Where is Fear Taking Us?



The sermon at church last night came with several application questions. Personally, I like those because they give me something to really think on, and where we have such memory issues, I can use those to grip onto the important parts of the message… or at least what I take from it. We all know that everyone in that room hears something different based on where they are at in their lives.

One of the application questions was about fear. The whole question was “What fear obscures the presence of God in my life and where is that fear taking me?”.

Immediately this question caught the attention of some of us. The other two questions got a shoulder shrug at best, but this one grabbed attention, and now, over 12 hours later, it still has our attention. We haven’t been able to focus enough to write in a week and now here we are.

To be entirely truthful, it’s the last part of that question that grabbed us. Where is that fear taking us? I mean, we’ve done enough therapy to know what we are afraid of so we almost skipped that first part entirely. We made a goal to find God and that requires honest participation though, so we went back to it.

Rejection. Yep.

Failure. Duh.

Abandonment. Right, boring, moving on.

Success. Okay. And.

Wait… what?

Success. That’s kind of a new one. I mean people have suggested that we were afraid of success, and we’ve read a lot about people being afraid of success, but none of us had ever actually admitted to that one before. So let’s look at that.

Mom and Dad have been adamant for 3 years that nothing we do can make them leave us (abandonment). If we succeed, why would they stay?

The ONE thing we have never done, any of us, well or consistently, is succeed.  We have no idea how to do it, how it works, or what to do with success.

Right there are the two reasons we seem to be afraid of success. We seem to manage to self-sabotage everything when we get close to succeeding because success is unknown territory. What happens next? We’ve never been there and it feels uncomfortable and dangerous.

Truthfully, we’re not sure where to go from here. I do know that we want to succeed. So we have work to do. And we’re going to be asking God for help with this one, and our friends. We are no longer trying to carry mountains on our own. We may need help remembering this from time to time, but we are now working on achieving success, growth, and accountability. We can have a measure of independence and not be forgotten.

It’s time to work on putting our attachment disorder to bed. It’s time to take our fear of success and turn it into proof of our abilities. It’s time to trust that our friends and family don’t want and need us because we are a mess. That we can be loved and wanted and still have support and love if we are successful and have a measure of independence.

We can do this. We want to do this.


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