2016, DID, dissociative identity disorder, trauma

The Body’s Children…

Children
When we realized we couldn’t raise them, our love for them drove us to find a way we could stay with them and still find them parents who could raise them.

Our Children?

I still look around when people ask about our kids. We don’t remember making the choice to have children.  Well… let me back up.

We remember wanting to be a mother. Sami wanted a baby girl and she was going to name her Rose. At some point when the body was a middle teen one of us decided we were most definitely having a girl and her name would be Rhiannon. No doubts. Totally was going to happen. Around body age of 16 we had a dream. There would be 4 children. We would give birth to 4 girls. We knew, from that moment going forward, that there would be 4.

At body age 17, due to a very bad series of decisions, this body was raped by a stranger we met online. A man who promised love and companionship. He wanted someone to watch the football game with. We wanted someone to actually love us. The childhood sexual abuse had stopped. We were very lost though. We aren’t even positive who was out then, but we’re fairly sure it was Zoey (she’s now about 3 years old but at the time was closer to the body age). The body ended up pregnant due to this rape. Zoey was so excited. A baby would love her. A baby would make this horrible existence better. A baby could fix it all. Zoey just knew that this baby was a girl. She named her daughter Emilee. The body miscarried the baby around 12 weeks gestation. Zoey was destroyed. None of the biological parents knew and when the biological mother was told her only response was  “I find that hard to believe.”

Years passed. Zoey mourned the loss of her baby every day. For a short time she questioned whether she made the event up. Whether it was a product of her imagination. During a routine female exam by a new doctor, the doctor questioned her about previous pregnancies. Said she saw signs of one. That confirmed for Zo that it did actually happen. She realized that we weren’t emotionally able to raise a child though. We started birth control.

In 2003, the body became pregnant with R just a month after marrying. It was a confusing event because he was adamant that he didn’t want any more kids. We didn’t know the body was capable of conception as we had been told it was unlikely due to our history of sexual abuse and miscarriage. We certainly weren’t trying to have children. We realized at this point that we weren’t capable of taking care of ourselves, let alone anyone else. But it happened and we had to deal with it. Maybe, just maybe we could pull this off. Truthfully, he seemed pretty surprised by this too.

The pregnancy was rocky and Zoey fought with everything she had to keep this baby. The father seemed to enjoy emotional torment while we were pregnant but we didn’t notice then. Baby R was born early, but she was healthy. Looking back I think it was then that he realized that pregnancy kept us compliant and used it to his advantage. Big J came 15 months after R.

Having two babies under the age of 2 was far more than we were ready to handle. Just before big J turned 3 we gave birth to little J (or as we like to call him… the flu). Baby M showed up not quite 2 years later.

Lets be clear here. We made no choices when it came to conception. We tried every form of birth control out there with the exception of tubal ligation (which we did do after M). Until M came about, no one would do a tubal because we were so young. Our ex wouldn’t consent to a vasectomy. We don’t remember conception of these children but I can tell you every last detail of their medical histories without much hesitation.

We love these kids in every way possible. There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for them. We have tried our very best to be the best we can for them. The best we could do for these kids was to make sure they have parents who can raise them. Mama and Daddy have full legal control over them and the kids call them Mom and Dad. They all know about us… and the older two have thanked us for bringing them here and making sure they have parents. We will never ever ever leave these children… and we will never take them away from their parents.

 

 

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