This morning, while doing housework and painting nails, I was chatting with our friend A. I’ve been feeling pretty alone and isolated lately and no one was home so it seemed like a good time to touch base with a friend. A also has DID, so it was a conversation where I could truly be me. I was just Maddie. It was calming and peaceful to just hang out and be me with a good friend.
As we chatted, the subject of family came up. We ended up talking about how our online time is limited, especially when mom and dad are home, so that we are more present and aware in our daily life and not caught up in the drama of Facebook groups, etc. She explained that their cell phone use is actually their main source of communication at home because they find they can type better than speak and they tend to be more open that way. (Honestly, I think a lot of us are more apt to be more open by text also but we usually hide behind games. -Brina) That conversation led into one that went something like this: (paraphrased and kinda changed cuz… A deserves privacy)
A: Like…. im 16…. and i dont get older and she is. She thinks its cool now but will she when she is 40? 50?
Maddie: I get that. I mean, Mom and Dad are only a couple years older than the body. Right now they are raising kids. The kids this body birthed. Are they gonna always want to be raising kids?
A: I just worry that everyone will outgrow me.
That last line. That one there is the one that really hit me. (And in case you were wondering my reply to that was to tell her that I’m pretty sure this was gonna be the next blog entry.) I mean, this is a big worry! For a lot of us with DID, especially those of us who are a significantly younger age than the body we live in.
Have you ever read those vampire type books and the main character is like immortal and annoyed by the fact that everyone they love moves on and dies without them and they are left alone over and over again? In a way, that’s kinda what we feel like sometimes. It’s come up in therapy too, when B (our therapist) said that we have lived through more than two lifetimes worth of events in under 30 years. And Brina told her that makes us very tired and very alone. I mean, how many other people never age?
So yeah, we know we aren’t immortal. But we know we aren’t aging inside even though the body is aging. Its been said that parenting is the job you work yourself out of. That won’t happen with us. We aren’t aging but those around us are. The kids are growing up. Mom and Dad are getting older. In A’s case, her partner is growing. How long before our families, our support systems, and our friends can’t deal anymore? Maybe that won’t happen. Maybe if it does it would be 30 years from now. But its a thought that’s rarely ever far from us.
Its not helpful to tell us not to worry about it. I mean, when has anyone ever stopped worrying because someone told them to stop worrying? I’m hopeful that over time we will learn to accept that these thoughts and fears are okay. We will get through anything and we need to stop letting these thoughts and feelings overshadow what we have in front of us. Its just that the thought of losing the best thing that’s ever happened to us is completely paralyzing.