csa, Kaysie, Processing, reflection, sexual abuse, trauma


So I just read an article. An article that caused some heavy thoughts and some goosebumps. I’ll link the article to the bottom of my rambling because I want to process this out. In short summary, the article was about the author’s opinion of comments made about a 14 year old girl who completed suicide after having a sexual relationship with her adult teacher. The author herself had a past filled with willing sex with adult men. She wrote that she was 25 before she realized that the men who consented to sex with her were pedophiles.

That struck a chord with me.  This body’s first sexual partner was 40+ years old when the body was 4 years old. By 14 this body was having cyber and phone sex with grown men who knew the truth about our age. By 17 we had miscarried a baby, not with our original abuser, but from an adult man who introduced us to the BDSM lifestyle. One we entered willingly and thought we needed. At 18 we allowed ourselves to be prostituted.  We met our husband online at 17, married at 21, and had an active BDSM life with him until we hit mid 20s and started to realize that something wasn’t right.

We consented to nearly everything.  We initiated a lot of it. We grew riskier at every turn. But looking back now, we weren’t emotionally equipped to consent to sex. We had no business at all consenting to these relationships. I doubt if we are emotionally equipped to consent to sex now (one of many reasons we are no longer with said husband). 

We learned to use sex to manipulate situations at a very young age. We learned to submit to the desires of grown men in exchange for affection and we called that love.

What we didn’t learn was boundaries.  We didn’t learn self control. We didn’t learn self respect, love, affection, or mutual desire. We didn’t learn self worth or value. And it took until this year, when Mom and Dad took us in for it to become obvious to us.

Reading that article brought it all home for me. I’m not sure all of us get it now, but the article wrapped it up in a neat little package and threw a bow on it for me. It also explains our crazy strong reaction to our 46 year old neighbor having a relationship with the 17 year old across the street who has been in and out of the foster care system.  Yes, she’s consenting, but she’s got about 5 to 10 years before she really gets it. And I ache for her.  And I loathe him.

This protector gets its now.



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